Me

                                "I have crossed the horizon to find you.
                                 I know your name.
                                 They have stolen the heart from inside you,
                                 but this does not define you.
                                 This is not who you are.
                                 You know who you are."

A few years ago I heard this song. I was cozied up in Haiti with 97 street kids watching Moana in French projected onto the cement wall of Quinntan's house. I watched the movie again with Becka when I came back to the states and heard this song once more. I still wasn't really listening to the lyrics, or maybe I just wasn't ready to hear them. I couldn't get my life together after moving back to the states. I didn't know how to feel or how to relate to anyone. I was heartbroken. I didn't even care to live. 
I started to get back on track with God and then my whole life fell apart and I became even more bitter. I was married and divorced. I lost a baby. I sat at a desk for 50 hours a week staring at computer screens. Useless. My heart was hollow. I couldn't feel. I didn't know what to do. I heard the song again during this terrible time of my life and by this time I had totally turned away from God. He made me angry. I didn't understand Him nor did I want to. Being angry with God had been a struggle because I just couldn't fathom a world of so much suffering being watched over by a God who supposedly loved us. My heart became more and more bitter. I still pretended like I was solid and happy but the people closest to me knew better. I tried to pray. I tried to listen to people talk about Jesus. I hated it. I didn't speak to most of my family. I had become someone I didn't even know. 
After months of this, I decided to open my bible. I read first and second Samuel. Those two books made a few things very clear to me and I continued to read. I read every single day during breaks and lunch. I could feel myself coming back to life. I read Ezekiel and the verse 34:16 really struck me which says
"I will search for my lost ones who strayed away, and I will bring them safely home again. I will bandage the injured and strengthen the weak. But I will destroy those who are fat and powerful. I will feed them justice."
After reading that I bought the song on iTunes and listened to it on repeat for months and I still listen to it almost every day. God crossed the horizon to find me and He knows my name. Though people and life may steal my heart, it does not make me who I am. Who I was and what I went through does not define me. I know who I am because I know who I am in Him. Jesus genuinely loves me. All my flaws. My past. My hurt. My joy. He is always there. I know my name. I know who I am. He will cross the horizon to find you and He knows your name. Your hurt does not define you. You know who you are.
Some of this is not easy to share as it was a very dark time of my life but that is where I have been the past few years. I have a goal. I have a plan. I am excited and I am ready. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. There is always something for which to be joyful. People do love you. Just as you are. God loves you. For real.     
                                
"I have crossed the horizon to find you.
I know your name.
They have stolen the heart from inside you,
but this does not define you.
This is not who you are.
You know who you are."


Welcome to my blog, to my thoughts and to my life. Join me on this adventure.